Right now I'm feeling paralyzed. Not physically paralyzed, but mentally. I'm at a point in right now where to take the next step in pretty much any facet of my life requires me to do something new and without any real guidance. And I could fail at any of these things. I hate failing or looking stupid and that means that I don't want to act on anything right now.
I like my comfort zones and I don't like leaving them. My dad likes to tell this story about when we moved to Other State when I was six or seven years old. He says that I cried every night before we moved and then ten months later (when we moved back to Home State) I cried every night before we moved back. I just didn't like leaving my comfort zone that much. And, while I may not cry now, I'm fearful of trying something and failing.
The strange thing is that I don't mind the aftermath of failure (in whatever it may be). I'm, usually, fairly resourceful in figuring out ways to work around things. I can come up with another way of doing something or another person to talk to or just persevering. I'm confident in that, but the fear of failure is pretty big.
For instance, I almost didn't start this blog because I am horrible at writing (as Advisor is about to tell me again-- I just gave him a rough draft of Abstract for Major European Conference) and thought no one would ever read it. Or if someone did, it would be to criticize my writing. (I'll confess that sometimes I still worry over this at times, but I figure no one is making anyone read this and if someone gets too annoyed s/he will just stop reading.)
As of right now, I'm going to focus on taking the next little steps in everything. Calling the credit union to find out about their mortgages, emailing Departmental Yeast Contact to start next week, ordering lab supplies needed for new protocol, and make arrangements for dress shopping with SIL-1. Maybe if I can get all this stuff done in the next 24 hours, I won't feel so immobilized.
Labels: rambling, work habits