Monday, August 12, 2013

They're all going to laugh at you

I keep hesitating about posting here. I feel like I should start with a big catch up post, but I can't come up with an entertaining way to do it. So, what, you may ask, is the thing that is prompting me to post here again? Answer: A case of feeling like an impostor. 

I have had a rough few months fellowship-wise. I submitted a couple of fellowship applications that were denied for funding. It was a case of close, but no cigar. I whined on twitter and got over it. Recently, though, I've gotten some good news. My abstract that I submitted for an international meeting was invited to be a talk (over a poster) and I got a Young Investigator Award for the meeting. Then, just last week I was selected for my institution's T32 (there is an actual selection process). So, yay (minor) good news!

Of course, I immediately start to invalidate all of those things. The Young Investigator Award, well, everyone gets one of those. The talk, well, the organizers were probably desparate for younger speakers or something. The T32, well, I'm sure there was some political thing or I was able to fool them or something.

Dr. Man keeps trying to counteract my thinking. Not everyone gets the award. Not everyone's abstract is raised to talk (I know, I have examples). I'm insulting the PI on the T32-- by implying that they're corrupt or stupid.

I don't know why I completely swallow all the criticisms and dismiss all the compliments.

4 comments:

saxifraga said...

Welcome back and it all sounds so familiar. Both the feeling of a need for a big update post and the imposter feelings. Thanks for sharing. It easy to feel "not good enough" in this game. It sounds like you have a lot of good things going for you at the moment.

Stacey said...

it's normal to feel that way. the academic hierarchy is such that you're supposed to feel stupid and inadequate at all times as a graduate student, right?

Psycgirl said...

Welcome back! I am still battling imposter syndrome - and some of my senior colleagues tell me they still get it sometime. Congrats on your awesome accomplishments :)

Amanda@Lady Scientist said...

Saxifraga: Thanks! I'm glad you're back, too.

Stacey: I'm beginning to think that it doesn't end with graduate school...

Psycgirl: Thanks (doubly)! I wish that none of us battled imposter syndrome. I thought it would have gone away after getting my PhD and being a postdoc for a while now. Alas!